Come and Get Your Brexit


I personally love how the media latches onto something with pitbull determination and refuses to let it go. Sure, the term Brexit sounds pretty stinking cool, but why do we have to hear it every second of the day. Can’t we at least take the time to say, “the British exit from the European Union” every hundredth utterance.

Granted it isn’t every day that a country decides to take what appears to be a giant leap away from a New World Order that was supposed take root in the heart of Europe and spread across the globe. We should have seen it coming because the Brits have never been much on the status quo, and like us Americans, they like to forge their own path even if it means ruffling feathers. That is perhaps the one big personality trait that both Anglo based countries still have in common. It appears to me that the attitude of a whole lot of Americans is much the same, but  those bully Brits just beat us to it.

I was thinking the other day that we really shouldn’t waste a word that has so much potential on just one thing. To me it is right up there with anachronism, polymorphic, gargantuan, and a host of other words that roll right off of the tongue. Let’s not just shelve a brilliant moniker when this whole mess dies down. We need to use it in other ways, and here are a few suggestions.

            “Talk to your doctor about Brexit, a topical, orally taken pill that must be taken on a full moon and accompanied by a silver flask full of holy water laced with prune juice. You must not take Brexit if you are pregnant, planning to become pregnant, a lady with lady bits, a man with man bits, any type of child or smaller version of a child. Side effects include double vision, triple vision, hot sweats, cold sweats, tingling in the hands and feet, numbness in the extremities, massive boners, no boner at all, headaches, body aches, ear aches, tooth aches, aching in the space directly behind the eye, enlarged breasts in men and women, nipple sensitivity, loss of teeth, loss of hair, loss of eyesight, massive bowel evacuation and maybe most importantly becoming a dead person.

            Of course, the benefits out weight the side effects in most people in perfect health who happen to have really good insurance. So for a smile a mile wide give Brexit a try. (By the way, if any of the bad stuff happens neither Glexo Smythe Gleen Elvis Von Lillian Pharmaceuticals, their R&D guys, their shareholders, the shareholder’s wives or any of the little shareholders are responsible. If anything happens sue the guy who prescribed it to you and hope his malpractice insurance is paid up).”

            Maybe it should be used as the name of a great new breakfast product that is harvested immediately after it exits the south end of a north-moving cow. Brexit is loaded with beneficial fiber and tons of bacteria; some good, and some that is perhaps not so good. In its unpasteurized form Brexit can help in the cure of many stomach maladies, as well as cause just about as many in the process. The guarantee (disclaimer) says that It will automatically make your breakfast exit your stomach after taking your first bite, thus contributing to the great wheel of life (not vegan approved).

            Just to keep in the European spirit, Brexit is a Dutch holiday celebrated every four years on the fifth Saturday of February. It is to commemorate the storming of the local hash store right after it was made legal. Festivities include clog dancing, riding around on bikes totally hammered on Heineken, crawling in the gutter totally hammered on hash, asking a woman twice your age to dance and throwing up on her, and taking your special lady out for a nice seafood dinner and skipping out on the check. Of course, no actual restaurants will be open that day, there will be a massive police presence standing on every corner, and you would have a much better time not celebrating Brexit at all and doing what Dutch people usually do with their ample spare time.

            I could go on, but I am afraid that whoever actually made up the name Brexit is applying for a patent as we speak and I will have to pay six thousand dollars for each use of it in this post. I am just praying that the next imminent threat to the economy or national security has as cool of a name, and that it remains public domain.  

 

 

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